HOW TO TELL IF YOUR Turning SOUTH AFRICAN After your trip

1. You call a bathing suit a “swimming costume” or a “cozzie”.
2. You call a traffic light a “robot”.
3. You call a sandwich a ‘sarmie’
4. You call an elevator a “lift” – but asking for a ‘lift’ doesn’t mean you want an elevator – you actually want a “ride”
5. You call a car hood a “bonnet”
6. You call a car trunk a “boot”
7. You call a pickup truck a “bakkie”
8. “Van” isn’t a vehicle – he’s the butt of some of the best jokes around (we use him to laugh at ourselves, unless he has a brandy with an Irishman & an Englishman – then we laugh at them)
9. You call a sidewalk a “pavement”
10. The first word that comes to mind when you see a dog snarling on the pavement is ‘Voetsek’
11. You call the 2nd storey of a building ‘the 1st Floor’
12. You call a jumper a “jersey”
13. You call a Barbeque a “Braai” & you ‘braai’ with real pieces of meat called ‘Tjops’ (Chops) not with mince & viennas.
14. When asked what is better than Boerewors, the only thing you can think of is a Boerewors Roll.
15. When something is really good it’s “Lekker”
16. If something is really Lekker it’s “Kiff” – you can even combine the two into “Lekker Kiff” for those odd occasions when something is …. well …. Lekker Kiff!
17. You call a friend “China” but until the Chinese stop snorting our Rhino horn & vreeting our Perlemoen they will never truly be our “China’s”
18. “Boet” & “Broer” both mean ‘Brother’ and work well especially when combined with “bliksem”. It’s vitally important to understand when to use Boet, when to use Broer & where to place your ‘bliksem’! When you hear ‘bliksem my Broer it’s been a long time’ – this is good, it means ‘you’re a dear friend that has been sorely missed’ but when you hear ‘my Boet ek gaan jou bliksem’ – this is not good, it means ‘you’re no friend of mine, I won’t miss & you’re going to be eina (sore).’
19. Employees dance and sing in front of the building – to show how unhappy they are.
20. The SABC advertises and shows highlights of the programme you just finished watching.
21. The SABC TV License Inspector is at your door with a fine for R1000 – bail for murder is only R500 – oh what to do?
22. You call your BAE (Before Anyone Else) your “Goose” or “Stukkie”
23. You take your “Goose” to the “Bioscope” (Cinema) & pray you won’t bump into your “Stukkie”
24. At the Bioscope you think back to the days when you could take your Goose to the “Drive-In” & you could get Lekker “Fresh” with her.
25. You call Tennis Shoes “Tekkies” – but when you say ‘check the Tekkies on that Volle’ ekse!’ It means ‘I say have you seen the tyres on that Volkswagen!’
26. You get cold easily. Anything below 16 degrees Celsius is Arctic weather.
27. You know what Rooibos Tea is & it pisses you off that other countries are selling it as if they invented it.
28. When somebody gets “too technical” (a South African past-time of picking a claim or statement to pieces) you tell them not to “split ball hairs”
29. You can sing your national anthem with gusto in four languages nogal and you have no idea what it means in any of them.
30. You know someone, who knows someone, who has met Nelson Mandela.
31. You go to braais regularly, where you eat Boerewors, Tjops and swim, sometimes simultaneously, sometimes after a ‘papsak’ or ‘klippies & coke’ you forget your cozzie.
33. You place a R100 note together with your driver’s licence when stopped by a traffic officer, because you never know ….
35. You can do your monthly shopping & get a haircut on the pavement – at robots (traffic lights) you can buy sunglasses, black bags, hangers, hats, selfie-sticks, passport & Licence disc holders.
37. You have to hire a “car guard” whenever you park your car.
39. There are more car guards than parking bays.
41. Most car guards are “Boetie’s” from other African Countries & they have university degrees. If you want to have informed, deep conversations, chat with your Guard.
43. You know the certified number of people listed for a Taxi is just a ‘suggestion’ – a taxi can & must carry at least twice that number in any given trip.
45. You travel 100’s of kilometres to see snow.
47. You know the rules of Rugby better than any referee!
49. Your Soccer Team wins if your “Vuvuzela’s” are the loudest!
51. When you say something is “‘n bietjie lig in die broek” you aren’t saying ‘there’s a little light in his pants’ you’re saying there’s ‘no substance in it’ – think of Twiggy trying on Kim Kardashian’s trousers!
53. People have the most wonderful names: Christmas, Goodwill, Pretty, Wednesday, Blessing, Brilliant, Gift, Precious, Innocence and Given, Patience, Portion, Coronation, Beauty.
55. “Now now” or “just now” can mean anything from a minute to a month.
57. When you hand over your income tax cheque to Innocence at SARS you seriously consider suggesting that they just place 2 drop boxes on the counter – one labeled ‘Zuma’ & the other ‘Gupta’s’ (update – those poephols het hulle gat gesien)
59. You continue to wait after a traffic light (robot) has turned to green to make way for taxis who are allowed to go through orange (amber) as well as ‘early red’
61. When you phone a Government department you know beforehand that you are going to be repeating your story at least 5 times, as reception patches your call to ‘Hope’ who transfers your call to ‘Faith’, who puts you through to ‘Patience’, who says you need to call back Wednesday & you hang on for a further 10 mins before it dawns on you that she meant the day not the person.
63. Travelling at 120 km/h, you’re the slowest vehicle in the suburbs.
65. When you venture onto the highways, you use the left lane & still doing 120km/h you cruise by everyone else as they hog the ‘fast’ right lanes.
67. A bullet train is being introduced, but potholes can’t be fixed or depending on Govt source, it’s being introduced because the roads are full of potholes.
69. You have to prove that you don’t need a loan to get one.
71. You don’t stop at red traffic lights (robots) at night just in case somebody is practicing ‘redistribution of wealth.’
73. Rwandan refugees start leaving the country because the crime rate is too high. You “check them out skeef” & the word “moffies” comes to mind.
75. You actually get these jokes and begin to think of other South Africans to share them with.
77. VIVA SA VIVA!!!!!