HOW TO TELL IF YOUR Turning SOUTH AFRICAN After your trip
- You call a bathing suit a “swimming costume” or a “cozzie”.
- You call a traffic light a “robot”.
- You call a sandwich a ‘sarmie’
- You call an elevator a “lift” – but asking for a ‘lift’ doesn’t mean you want an elevator – you actually want a “ride”
- You call a car hood a “bonnet”
- You call a car trunk a “boot”
- You call a pickup truck a “bakkie”
- “Van” isn’t a vehicle – he’s the butt of some of the best jokes around (we use him to laugh at ourselves, unless he has a brandy with an Irishman & an Englishman – then we laugh at them)
- You call a sidewalk a “pavement”
- The first word that comes to mind when you see a dog snarling on the pavement is ‘Voetsek’
- You call the 2nd storey of a building ‘the 1st Floor’
- You call a jumper a “jersey”
- You call a Barbeque a “Braai” & you ‘braai’ with real pieces of meat called ‘Tjops’ (Chops) not with mince & viennas.
- When asked what is better than Boerewors, the only thing you can think of is a Boerewors Roll.
- When something is really good it’s “Lekker”
- If something is really Lekker it’s “Kiff” – you can even combine the two into “Lekker Kiff” for those odd occasions when something is …. well …. Lekker Kiff!
- You call a friend “China” but until the Chinese stop snorting our Rhino horn & vreeting our Perlemoen they will never truly be our “China’s”
- “Boet” & “Broer” both mean ‘Brother’ and work well especially when combined with “bliksem”. It’s vitally important to understand when to use Boet, when to use Broer & where to place your ‘bliksem’! When you hear ‘bliksem my Broer it’s been a long time’ – this is good, it means ‘you’re a dear friend that has been sorely missed’ but when you hear ‘my Boet ek gaan jou bliksem’ – this is not good, it means ‘you’re no friend of mine, I won’t miss & you’re going to be eina (sore).’
- Employees dance and sing in front of the building – to show how unhappy they are.
- The SABC advertises and shows highlights of the programme you just finished watching.
- The SABC TV License Inspector is at your door with a fine for R1000 – bail for murder is only R500 – oh what to do?
- You call your BAE (Before Anyone Else) your “Goose” or “Stukkie”
- You take your “Goose” to the “Bioscope” (Cinema) & pray you won’t bump into your “Stukkie”
- At the Bioscope you think back to the days when you could take your Goose to the “Drive-In” & you could get Lekker “Fresh” with her.
- You call Tennis Shoes “Tekkies” – but when you say ‘check the Tekkies on that Volle’ ekse!’ It means ‘I say have you seen the tyres on that Volkswagen!’
- You get cold easily. Anything below 16 degrees Celsius is Arctic weather.
- You know what Rooibos Tea is & it pisses you off that other countries are selling it as if they invented it.
- When somebody gets “too technical” (a South African past-time of picking a claim or statement to pieces) you tell them not to “split ball hairs”
- You can sing your national anthem with gusto in four languages nogal and you have no idea what it means in any of them.
- You know someone, who knows someone, who has met Nelson Mandela.
- You go to braais regularly, where you eat Boerewors, Tjops and swim, sometimes simultaneously, sometimes after a ‘papsak’ or ‘klippies & coke’ you forget your cozzie.
- You place a R100 note together with your driver’s licence when stopped by a traffic officer, because you never know ….
- You can do your monthly shopping & get a haircut on the pavement – at robots (traffic lights) you can buy sunglasses, black bags, hangers, hats, selfie-sticks, passport & Licence disc holders.
- You have to hire a “car guard” whenever you park your car.
- There are more car guards than parking bays.
- Most car guards are “Boetie’s” from other African Countries & they have university degrees. If you want to have informed, deep conversations, chat with your Guard.
- You know the certified number of people listed for a Taxi is just a ‘suggestion’ – a taxi can & must carry at least twice that number in any given trip.
- You travel 100’s of kilometres to see snow.
- You know the rules of Rugby better than any referee!
- Your Soccer Team wins if your “Vuvuzela’s” are the loudest!
- When you say something is “‘n bietjie lig in die broek” you aren’t saying ‘there’s a little light in his pants’ you’re saying there’s ‘no substance in it’ – think of Twiggy trying on Kim Kardashian’s trousers!
- People have the most wonderful names: Christmas, Goodwill, Pretty, Wednesday, Blessing, Brilliant, Gift, Precious, Innocence and Given, Patience, Portion, Coronation, Beauty.
- “Now now” or “just now” can mean anything from a minute to a month.
- When you hand over your income tax cheque to Innocence at SARS you seriously consider suggesting that they just place 2 drop boxes on the counter – one labeled ‘Zuma’ & the other ‘Gupta’s’ (update – those poephols het hulle gat gesien)
- You continue to wait after a traffic light (robot) has turned to green to make way for taxis who are allowed to go through orange (amber) as well as ‘early red’
- When you phone a Government department you know beforehand that you are going to be repeating your story at least 5 times, as reception patches your call to ‘Hope’ who transfers your call to ‘Faith’, who puts you through to ‘Patience’, who says you need to call back Wednesday & you hang on for a further 10 mins before it dawns on you that she meant the day not the person.
- Travelling at 120 km/h, you’re the slowest vehicle in the suburbs.
- When you venture onto the highways, you use the left lane & still doing 120km/h you cruise by everyone else as they hog the ‘fast’ right lanes.
- A bullet train is being introduced, but potholes can’t be fixed or depending on Govt source, it’s being introduced because the roads are full of potholes.
- You have to prove that you don’t need a loan to get one.
- You don’t stop at red traffic lights (robots) at night just in case somebody is practicing ‘redistribution of wealth.’
- Rwandan refugees start leaving the country because the crime rate is too high. You “check them out skeef” & the word “moffies” comes to mind.
- You actually get these jokes and begin to think of other South Africans to share them with.
- VIVA SA VIVA!!!!!
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